What a Year!!!

This has been a wonderful year. I used to be afraid of getting older but God really brought peace to my life this year. I started this journey with three babies and by the time my youngest was nine, I was entering single parenting. By the grace of God, I have truimphed and although I know I have a long way to go, I know He will guide me and my decisions on this journey.

I will try and recap without being too boring. I turned 40 this year and I truly believe the Lord made my mind better when I hit the "new" 30s. I am more settled in my situation and I am at peace with where I am in my life. I think I can be a better person the more I educate myself so being in school is no longer a burden or a means to make more money, it is a privilege to grow and become a better Tracey. WOW! I cannot believe I just said that, but it is true. I must say my financial situation is still the same but I am sure everyone is feeling what I have been feeling for a while but once again, my mind tells me it is what it is and I just deal with it. Anyone who has been reading my blogs know that I got the chance to a see a friend I have not seen in over a decade and that made for a wonderful summer. My oldest son turned 16. That was great except he was bombing in his schoolwork and I had to make a decision to withdraw him from private school. It was a hard decision but it has paid off. My middle child grew so tall and handsome and his entire demeanor changed. He has matured and accepted his short comings. Instead of using them as an excuse, he is trying to succeed despite them. I am so proud to be his mom. My baby turned 13. The last child to become a teenager. That calls for another WOW! She did somethings that really made me proud of her. She donated birthday money to a cause and she refused to drop a class because she was not succeeding but she hung in there and improved her situation.

Last but definitely not least, he came. It was when I least expected and definitely not looking. I got off the shuttle meeting him for lunch, he bent down and tied my shoe. I needed to go to the dentist, he picked me up, sat in the waiting room for an hour and took me back to work. He is intelligent, articulate and he just amazes me everyday. You know sometimes when we focus on physical qualities; saying we want this type of man, that type of man, it is never a good thing. I wanted those qualities that are on the inside more so than the outside. I wanted someone who would be good to me, kind, faithful, honest and a man of integrity. I also wanted someone who would accept me as I am, independent, strong and on a path to being successful. Plus, he looks good. I had not given up on finding him but I can honestly say I wasn't looking. He has brought out the feelings that I put in the back of my mind years ago. He does not make me happy, he adds to the happiness I already have in my life and that is important. I am not sure what the future holds for us and I am enjoying the time I have now but I am looking forward to a future with him in it.

This rounds out my year. I have been blessed to have my children, family, education and love. I can honestly say turning 40 was a good thing. Thank you Lord for giving me this time of my life.

Time to move on...

My daughter turned 13 last month and it made me realize several things. First Red Robin is a cool place to give a birthday luncheon for teens. The second thing I realized is I am officially a mother of three teenagers. What does this mean for me? I think it means that my children are old enough to do things on their own and they need to start making more decisions with only guidance from me. I cannot tell them what to do with the mindset of "because I said so." Their future and what they make of it, is up to them. I can continue to protect them but sometimes they need to fall so they can pick themselves back up. I have tried to loosen the choke hold little by little but sometimes I still think I am afraid and maybe it is time loosen it a little more. I will always be there for them and they know that but it is time. This leads me to the last thing I realized. It is time for me to get a life of my own. This includes meeting someone who makes me smile and want to be with me, finishing school (in progress) and preparing myself for my future outside of Chattanooga (also in progress). I have several prospects for dating but after being out of the game for more than 10 years, it is so hard to know what is expected and what I should expect from someone. Is it still a game at 40? Because I am more secure in myself, how do I know when it is right to take a relationship further? I mean, I know if I want to continue to talk with someone because of rule number one. Rule #1 - if a man cannot hold my attention with simple conversation then, he cannot get my attention any other way. I know I am not the same person before marriage and I can honestly say I have matured. I like to talk because you learn a lot about a person when you talk to them and conversation can be stimulating.

These are the realizations I have had since my daughter turned 13. Happy Birthday, Anne & thanks for teaching me to live.

Back at Home

Well, my trip to Dallas was too short. Given time and money we could have stayed another week. It was the best vacation I have taken in my life. Everyone got along so well and after that initial meeting it was like the kids had known each other their entire life. They were up from sun up to sun up. I know my children slept for hours after we returned because for the eight and half days we were there they did not sleep. We went to Six Flags over Texas and Great Wolf Lodge. The rest of the time we just hung out at the mall, played soccer, skating, cookouts and swimming. We stayed in great hotels and I was able to see downtown Dallas and Gilley's Dallas. Gilley's is the honkytonk bar from the movie Urban Cowboy. I have always loved that movie and although the original bar is in Houston, I went to the one in Dallas. The kids played cards, dominoes and just mainly talked about each other like they have been for ever. We all started getting attitudes the last couple of days and I honestly believed it was because no one could handle the last day. We understood it would end but it hurt like hell. I will never allow fourteen years to past before I see my friend again. She is my closest friend and she knows everything about me. She has always been there for me no matter what crisis I was going through.

We are already talking about next year and what we would like to do. The choice is between Disney World and a cruise. My family have already been to Disney World so I am for taking cruise. Because of finances, we will start planning a year ahead of time. Well that is all for now. I just wanted to show the pictures of how everyone was on the second day compared to the smiles the night before we left.

Dallas, Texas

I know I have been saying that I was going to be in Dallas this summer to see a friend I met while in the Navy. Well, I am here. It was a pretty long trip. We took the route from Chattanooga through Memphis through Arkansas and down into Dallas. It was a long day but I enjoyed the time with the kids. I am writing this blog to capture one thing.

Remember when you were little and your parents took you to see relatives they grew up with and when you got there, they had children about your age and you all stood around looking "stupid" because in your mind you are going, "Who are these people." Every adult wants to give you a hug but you have no clue who they are. The kids are standing around with an uncomfortable feeling, answering only when asked and limiting those to "yes" or "no." For all of you who experienced that once or twice in your lifetime, guess what? Yes, children and Alicia's kids had that same experience. I could see in their faces and no matter who much we tried to include them in our conversation, they just smiled and said okay or what ever one or two word answer they could give. I wanted to laugh because I remember that encounter.

I will post the leaving Texas feeling because I know it will be a different scenerio. I just wanted to share that with my readers.

Associate's Degree Completed.

I have been saying that I am back in school trying to finish what I started twenty years ago and I reached the half way mark by completing my Associates Degree in Business Administration. I know that is a drop in the bucket for some, especially those who have advanced degrees but for me it was a great feeling. First, it felt like a 60 year old person getting their GED. Something that you did not think was possible but you did it. It has also given me the courage to move forward to by Bachelor's. I was at work and I pulled up my school site, which I do most days and I saw I had this certificate that said I demonstrated the skills required for CTU professional certificate in Management - Undergraduate Level. That was not expected. I wanted to cry. I still do because it was just something extra to add to my resume' and I know that a degree is not the only thing I am pursuing but professional certifications based on my curriculum. I also received a call from my advisor that stated that although my degree was an Associates I still graduated Magna Cum Laude. This is my biggest honor because in my 12 years of school and my two years of college between the ages of 18-20, I have NEVER achieved this. I was always the average student doing just enough to pass. I was okay doing just enough to graduate but I truly pushed myself to excel and it paid off. Not trying to sound conceited but I am proud of myself in a way I do not believe I can explain because in my mind I did not think I could do it but I am doing it. With three kids, a full time job and bills. I owe all of this to God, my Savior because, believe it or not, He has made this road bearable. He has kept me focused and He has blessed my finances that I will not consider dropping out. It has not been easy and there were times when I wanted to quit but the Lord gave me strength each day and I pressed forward. I pray for that strength in the next 15 months.

I had to do this online because of my family obligations but I can honestly say, Colorado Tech University has a learning environment that will make you think you are on an actual campus. They offer classroom chats where the instructor is teaching twice a week and you have friends, that will be a great network system. I hope to meet one of my classmates when I take my trip to Dallas. You can also join clubs. The thing I really enjoy about this learning environment is the real life scenarios that is taught. They are up-to-date on the issues in business. This has been good because at work we are doing most of the practices that are being taught. Sometimes I would take a scenario at work and apply it to school or vice versus. I can say, if you are considering online coursework, you should look into this. My admissions advisor was so encouraging and we still keep in contact although his part is over. Shoot him an email he will help you out.

12 days till Dallas...

Well for now back to the books...

Count Down

I went to a skating party sponsored by the local radio station, Power94. It was an old skool party for ages 25 and up. I had a great time, although I was sore as hell because I have not skated in a couple of years. All the old music from my day was played. The rap groups of Whoduni, UTFO and all of them. The guys that used to really skate was there and believe it or not they, unlike myself, have not lost a step. Decked out in black they ruled the skating rink. It was good to watch. The only thing that happened was I took a look around and noticed that as a forty year old single black female, my choices of men in this city is slim to none. It was an eye opener because I have not stopped to really see if there were any men that would be attractive to me in this time of my life. The decent looking ones were with their female counterparts or they were too young for me. I am not limiting myself to men my age but I do believe under 30 is a bit too young. That is my personal opinion.

I have made a decision that is going to change my life and hopefully my future. I have decided to leave Chattanooga, TN. The skating rink was not the sole reason for this decision but I believe it had a big impact. I grew up here and I will always love this city but I honestly believe I need a change. I will not make any decisions right now because I still have to educate my children and my daughter is in an elite college preparatory school that is a great opportunity that I am not willing to take from her but she has about five years left and that will give me enough time to prepare for this change. So as of today, I am giving myself about 61 months to first decide where I want to go and second to prepare for this change.

My first order of business is to complete school which I am currently doing and that will be old news by the time I am ready to go. The second decision is where I want to go. I have two cities I am looking at for different reasons and I will visit one next month. Dallas, TX is the home of a long time friend that I have not seen in 14 years. I will going there and while I am there I am going to look around. My current employer have an office in this city so that is one option. The next city is Charlotte, which I have heard is a great place for black professionals and another city my current employer is located. I have not figured out when I am going to visit this city but it will be within the next 61 months. Maybe I will take a fall vacation, I don't know but I will get there. In the meantime, I will stay focused on task number one: school.

I am not going to eliminate the chance that a major force may keep me here but it will have to be major. My children will be grown and starting lives on their own and I have always taught them that where ever I am is home. A house is a roof and four walls but Mom is home. I will try and keep my blog posted with the events that will lead up to this move so let the count down begin...