I will be the first to admit over the last six months, my life has been, for lack of a better word, different. I am a creature of habit and any diversion makes me nervous. Well, I pretty much did it to myself and I acted strictly on FAITH.
The company I have been a part of for close to 15 years decided they needed a change as well. This is nothing new in our industry but in the course of those changes I was the one who was, as my former manager so eloquently put it, "left without a chair when the music stopped." Funny thing about that analogy. I was probably doing a happy dance standing there watching everyone get comfortable in their seats.
I took that as my sign. A sign to see what else lies ahead. I had a five year goal and if you read my blog that was published October 5, 2008, I mentioned making plans for my life outside of Chattanooga. Wow! God must have read that blog as well because on October 1, 2013, I found myself in the state of Texas. No home, no job, barely any money but a TRUCKLOAD OF FAITH. That's all I could depend on everyday. It got me through when I questioned my decision. I sometimes forget about FAITH and every time I do, I will get these postings from Joel Olsteen on my Facebook page and he would remind me of FAITH. Joel had this artwork that said, "FAITH is about trusting God even when you don't understand His plan." Everyday, I continue to live by FAITH and within a month I had a job and by month 2 we had a place to live and month 3, my husband had a job.
Now, don't get me wrong, some days are better than others. We haven't fully furnished our home, we are not making what we used to and there are still challenges in getting used to a new environment but I am confident each day is better than the day before. Setbacks are just a set-up for something better. Each day I renew my faith that I made the right decision.
I am going to start something new and see what happens. Each night I am going to reflect on what is good in my life and not dwell on what is not so good. My children are doing well, Alex and I doing well, I love my job and the people are great. Every day is a new day with a new adventure. Thank God for that.
Peace.
Showing posts with label Life. Show all posts
Showing posts with label Life. Show all posts
The Life and Times of Dixon
I keep typing the first ten words and don't really know what I want to say. Actually, there is a lot going on in this head of mine, getting it out is the task I seem to be faced with. I think today, I would like to talk about my dog, Dixon.
Dixon was adopted ten years ago when my children's dad came up with the idea we needed a dog. I had childhood pets so I was okay with it. Well, over the years he really did become apart of our family. I remember the time I put him outside because he started chewing on my shoes when I thought I had gotten past the chewing stage. He stayed out there for about a year, never had that problem again. I remember when I figured out he would get in my bed when we left for the day. I had to come back in the house for something and I guess he didn't hear me because he was caught. He looked up like "oh well" and went back to sleep. From that moment on, I had a blanket I would put on my bed to keep him from getting hair every where.
Dixon didn't like thunder and he would wake the entire house to let you know he didn't like thunder. He would try and jump in your lap which could prove to be difficult because he was over 100 lbs. I wouldn't call him a watch dog because I always said if you fed him, he would probably let you rob us blind (I said this before Mayhem advertised it on the Allstate commercial). He was a good dog, I think he knew when I was sad because that is when he became super clingy. I remember a time when he was really getting on my nerves and I firmly told him to take his tail and sit down. He went to my bedroom and positioned himself where he could stare at me and he did this for a couple of minutes. Like he was bad. Over the years our life with Dixon was pretty normal. He was a big baby and as time moved on he became a big old baby. Most days we had our routine. I learned that he didn't eat during the day because there was no one home to take him out. I thought that was pretty disciplined.
I remember having a talk with the children about dog age. How what we consider is one age can actually be a senior in dog world. I would even tell them his dog age so they could relate to the fact that he was getting old. Because my oldest was away in school, I would always tell the other children there would be no RIP's on Facebook until I was able to break the news to everyone. Well, something happened where he hurt himself. The doctor said it was a Cranial Cruciate Ligament rupture which could be the equivalent to tearing an ACL. Well at this time Dixon is ten and overweight and I was advised that recovery under these circumstances could be difficult not to mention there could be other issue because of his weight and size and him getting completely back to normal was unlikely and on and on and on. It was a lot to take in but at the end of the visit, I left with a weeks worth of pain meds and a choice to make.
I can say I have been faced with some tough decisions in my life but to date, that has been the toughest. There was no one to consult if I was doing the right thing for my children and my heart and no matter how much we knew this day would come, having it stare you in the face was a whole different scenario. As the week went on, we saw how hard it became to care for him and the amount of pain he was in because we had steps leading to the yard and that was the only way he could go to the bathroom. I made the decision to put him to sleep so on Thursday, May 3, 2012, companion of 10 years went to doggie heaven. What was worse about that day is my son was taking final exams so I didn't want to tell him because I thought he was coming home Friday, he came home a couple of hours later.
The aftermath of that has been hard for me because I still miss him. I think about him every day and I feel like I have hurt my children. Dixon was the closest they had to losing a family member because he was with them every day. I am haunted with the decision and with the hurt. The vet told me I was doing what was best for him and I don't doubt it because they would have never suggested it if there was another way but man, it didn't help my heart. It's been almost three months and I still feel the pain. Maybe sharing this will help.
Dixon was adopted ten years ago when my children's dad came up with the idea we needed a dog. I had childhood pets so I was okay with it. Well, over the years he really did become apart of our family. I remember the time I put him outside because he started chewing on my shoes when I thought I had gotten past the chewing stage. He stayed out there for about a year, never had that problem again. I remember when I figured out he would get in my bed when we left for the day. I had to come back in the house for something and I guess he didn't hear me because he was caught. He looked up like "oh well" and went back to sleep. From that moment on, I had a blanket I would put on my bed to keep him from getting hair every where.
Dixon didn't like thunder and he would wake the entire house to let you know he didn't like thunder. He would try and jump in your lap which could prove to be difficult because he was over 100 lbs. I wouldn't call him a watch dog because I always said if you fed him, he would probably let you rob us blind (I said this before Mayhem advertised it on the Allstate commercial). He was a good dog, I think he knew when I was sad because that is when he became super clingy. I remember a time when he was really getting on my nerves and I firmly told him to take his tail and sit down. He went to my bedroom and positioned himself where he could stare at me and he did this for a couple of minutes. Like he was bad. Over the years our life with Dixon was pretty normal. He was a big baby and as time moved on he became a big old baby. Most days we had our routine. I learned that he didn't eat during the day because there was no one home to take him out. I thought that was pretty disciplined.
I remember having a talk with the children about dog age. How what we consider is one age can actually be a senior in dog world. I would even tell them his dog age so they could relate to the fact that he was getting old. Because my oldest was away in school, I would always tell the other children there would be no RIP's on Facebook until I was able to break the news to everyone. Well, something happened where he hurt himself. The doctor said it was a Cranial Cruciate Ligament rupture which could be the equivalent to tearing an ACL. Well at this time Dixon is ten and overweight and I was advised that recovery under these circumstances could be difficult not to mention there could be other issue because of his weight and size and him getting completely back to normal was unlikely and on and on and on. It was a lot to take in but at the end of the visit, I left with a weeks worth of pain meds and a choice to make.
I can say I have been faced with some tough decisions in my life but to date, that has been the toughest. There was no one to consult if I was doing the right thing for my children and my heart and no matter how much we knew this day would come, having it stare you in the face was a whole different scenario. As the week went on, we saw how hard it became to care for him and the amount of pain he was in because we had steps leading to the yard and that was the only way he could go to the bathroom. I made the decision to put him to sleep so on Thursday, May 3, 2012, companion of 10 years went to doggie heaven. What was worse about that day is my son was taking final exams so I didn't want to tell him because I thought he was coming home Friday, he came home a couple of hours later.
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| Dixon 2002-2012 |
Happy New Year
Happy New Year.
Wow, its hard to believe that another year has come and gone but yes we are entering another decade. I just want to take this time to say, I had mixed emotions about leaving 2009. I felt so blessed this past year that I just did not want it to end. To those of you who felt this was a trying year with jobs, homes and personal losses, I am truly sorry. I was sitting in church Thursday listening to testimonies of how people have been blessed even in this turbulent times and at first I was thinking, "I cannot relate because this has not been like this for me." But as I truly reflected on my year, I can say that I had some trying times but I think a prayer I said a couple of years ago really was delivered in 2009.
When I was first divorced it seemed as if the pain would never end and I used to pray for peace. I did not want money, material things or anything physical, I just wanted peace. God gave me peace and this year I was able to apply that peace when things got bad. I was able to press forward and hold on to my faith because I had peace. There was a moment in the year when I really was at the edge with a situation with my daughter. I hurt because she hurt and I thought, she is such a good girl why is her world so upside down right now. I was able to help her because of the peace that I prayed for and together as a family we go through the rough times.
Sunday, I was in church and the preacher talked about this. He said people mistake peace for the absence of trouble but peace is the ability to go through the trouble. There were other times that my patience was tried but I press forward and things got better.
If I could say that I want a New Year's resolution, it would be to keep pressing forward even when times are tough. I want my faith in God, my family and my loved ones to grow.
Wow, its hard to believe that another year has come and gone but yes we are entering another decade. I just want to take this time to say, I had mixed emotions about leaving 2009. I felt so blessed this past year that I just did not want it to end. To those of you who felt this was a trying year with jobs, homes and personal losses, I am truly sorry. I was sitting in church Thursday listening to testimonies of how people have been blessed even in this turbulent times and at first I was thinking, "I cannot relate because this has not been like this for me." But as I truly reflected on my year, I can say that I had some trying times but I think a prayer I said a couple of years ago really was delivered in 2009.
When I was first divorced it seemed as if the pain would never end and I used to pray for peace. I did not want money, material things or anything physical, I just wanted peace. God gave me peace and this year I was able to apply that peace when things got bad. I was able to press forward and hold on to my faith because I had peace. There was a moment in the year when I really was at the edge with a situation with my daughter. I hurt because she hurt and I thought, she is such a good girl why is her world so upside down right now. I was able to help her because of the peace that I prayed for and together as a family we go through the rough times.
Sunday, I was in church and the preacher talked about this. He said people mistake peace for the absence of trouble but peace is the ability to go through the trouble. There were other times that my patience was tried but I press forward and things got better.
If I could say that I want a New Year's resolution, it would be to keep pressing forward even when times are tough. I want my faith in God, my family and my loved ones to grow.
How do you know? Part III
Ask other people how they define love or know if they love someone.
I got several responses and this is what I heard.
Response 1
I'd say that love is about reaction. How does the sight, sound, and/or touch of a person make you feel? Are there regular moments with in your day that are occupied solely by individual thoughts of this one? Does your existence now include that of comfort and happiness within this persons. How difficult is it to travel back to the state of yourself before meeting this person?
These (I believe) are some questions to ask yourself.
Response 2
I feel that you know you love someone when you think of their needs before you think of your own. Love is more than a feeling. Love is an action word. When you are in love your actions should define your feelings.
Response 3
Love to me is: trusting someone to be faithful, be by your side no matter what, and to always be honest with you. It is being with someone you that makes you a better person, wants you to succeed, is willing to compromise to make your relationship better, and that is your best friend. it is someone you can spend the rest of your life with because although you may not always like them, you do always love them.
These are very honest responses and I can truly say I feel all of them in my relationship.
To be continued...
I got several responses and this is what I heard.
Response 1
I'd say that love is about reaction. How does the sight, sound, and/or touch of a person make you feel? Are there regular moments with in your day that are occupied solely by individual thoughts of this one? Does your existence now include that of comfort and happiness within this persons. How difficult is it to travel back to the state of yourself before meeting this person?
These (I believe) are some questions to ask yourself.
Response 2
I feel that you know you love someone when you think of their needs before you think of your own. Love is more than a feeling. Love is an action word. When you are in love your actions should define your feelings.
Response 3
Love to me is: trusting someone to be faithful, be by your side no matter what, and to always be honest with you. It is being with someone you that makes you a better person, wants you to succeed, is willing to compromise to make your relationship better, and that is your best friend. it is someone you can spend the rest of your life with because although you may not always like them, you do always love them.
These are very honest responses and I can truly say I feel all of them in my relationship.
To be continued...
How Do You Know? Part I
At 41, I always wonder will I ever love again? Its hard to bounce back from a relationship that did not work. When you put your all into something that supposed to last a lifetime and it fails, do you really try it again? I said when I was younger that if marriage didn't work for me the first time, I would not give a it a second time to fail. But, when I turned 40 something happened. I became secure in who I was as a mother, daughter, sister, aunt, cousin and most importantly a person. May 2008, I did not know what the future held for me in the love department but I did know that if I was happy being me, then I was happy. Another thing I discovered was that I would not compromise who I was for anyone. The changes I made would be because I wanted them not because someone would "love me more" if I was this way or that way. I have learned that's a pretty good quality, one I plan to keep. So, that brings me to my topic. When a person has made the changes in their life and accepted the person they are, how do you know, when a person who meets all the initial criteria of a partner, really love you?
There's a big difference from being infatuated with someone and in love, but in the beginning it can be hard to tell the difference between the two (eHow, n.d.). There are six steps I think I should take to tell if he really loves me. I am not sure how many I can explain but I will try.
Step 1. Clarify what love is for you. Write down all your thoughts and feelings about what a loving relationship would be like for you.
For me love is a partnership. It's not about what he can do for me or what I can do for him but what WE can do for each other. Its not about his or mines but ours. I am not into the traditional relationships where it is all about if he can take care of me. I have learned I can take care of myself and as time goes on, I will get better at it so I don't need that from a man. I think love is about supporting each other's dreams and goals. A relationship is accepting all of a person, including their faults and downfalls. Its about not reliving the past mistakes but helping each other to make better and smarter decisions for the future. A loving relationship is about having a friend, a best friend. A person that will sit down and talk for an hour about nothing or sharing a secret that one would never tell anyone else. It's about communication, that includes laughing when its funny, crying when its sad and agreeing to disagree. Most of all, I believe a relationship is about two people having faith in God or whatever a person believe. Knowing that He will bless the relationship and putting it in His hands and just live each day to the fullest.
I think when two people have all of this they have love. This is what a loving relationship is to me.
To Be Continued...
Grateful
You know so much has happened in the last couple of years in my life and I am so grateful to be where I am today. I have three kids that I love dearly, a man that loves me back, a family that no matter how much they get on my nerves, we are family and we love each other and I have a select group of friends that are truly on my side and support me no matter what. I am grateful to that.
I have been allowed a second chance to complete my education and although it is tough juggling it and my responsibilities, God is giving me the drive to not give up. I may have to slow it up every now and then but I have no desire to quit. Okay, sometimes at two in the morning when I have got to finish a paper but I want to go to sleep, I do sometimes wish I could quit, but I don't I press forward.
My job can be stressful but I am grateful I have one and I am still able to provide for my family. My bank account gets low, but I have developed the determination to not overspend and live below my means so that I can stay above water.
You know President Obama made a comment about responsibility starting at home. I was not taught the value of protecting your credit and saving and a lot of other things but I am grateful that it is not too late to start and even though I am 40 years old, I want the opportunity to live the rest of my life responsibly, financially stable and a bit more secure. You know my kids may look at it that I didn't start out great but I got on board and finished better.
In church, they say, I am not where I need to be but thank God I am not where I used to be and with His help I will get there.
Peace.
I have been allowed a second chance to complete my education and although it is tough juggling it and my responsibilities, God is giving me the drive to not give up. I may have to slow it up every now and then but I have no desire to quit. Okay, sometimes at two in the morning when I have got to finish a paper but I want to go to sleep, I do sometimes wish I could quit, but I don't I press forward.
My job can be stressful but I am grateful I have one and I am still able to provide for my family. My bank account gets low, but I have developed the determination to not overspend and live below my means so that I can stay above water.
You know President Obama made a comment about responsibility starting at home. I was not taught the value of protecting your credit and saving and a lot of other things but I am grateful that it is not too late to start and even though I am 40 years old, I want the opportunity to live the rest of my life responsibly, financially stable and a bit more secure. You know my kids may look at it that I didn't start out great but I got on board and finished better.
In church, they say, I am not where I need to be but thank God I am not where I used to be and with His help I will get there.
Peace.
What a Year!!!
This has been a wonderful year. I used to be afraid of getting older but God really brought peace to my life this year. I started this journey with three babies and by the time my youngest was nine, I was entering single parenting. By the grace of God, I have truimphed and although I know I have a long way to go, I know He will guide me and my decisions on this journey.
I will try and recap without being too boring. I turned 40 this year and I truly believe the Lord made my mind better when I hit the "new" 30s. I am more settled in my situation and I am at peace with where I am in my life. I think I can be a better person the more I educate myself so being in school is no longer a burden or a means to make more money, it is a privilege to grow and become a better Tracey. WOW! I cannot believe I just said that, but it is true. I must say my financial situation is still the same but I am sure everyone is feeling what I have been feeling for a while but once again, my mind tells me it is what it is and I just deal with it. Anyone who has been reading my blogs know that I got the chance to a see a friend I have not seen in over a decade and that made for a wonderful summer. My oldest son turned 16. That was great except he was bombing in his schoolwork and I had to make a decision to withdraw him from private school. It was a hard decision but it has paid off. My middle child grew so tall and handsome and his entire demeanor changed. He has matured and accepted his short comings. Instead of using them as an excuse, he is trying to succeed despite them. I am so proud to be his mom. My baby turned 13. The last child to become a teenager. That calls for another WOW! She did somethings that really made me proud of her. She donated birthday money to a cause and she refused to drop a class because she was not succeeding but she hung in there and improved her situation.
Last but definitely not least, he came. It was when I least expected and definitely not looking. I got off the shuttle meeting him for lunch, he bent down and tied my shoe. I needed to go to the dentist, he picked me up, sat in the waiting room for an hour and took me back to work. He is intelligent, articulate and he just amazes me everyday. You know sometimes when we focus on physical qualities; saying we want this type of man, that type of man, it is never a good thing. I wanted those qualities that are on the inside more so than the outside. I wanted someone who would be good to me, kind, faithful, honest and a man of integrity. I also wanted someone who would accept me as I am, independent, strong and on a path to being successful. Plus, he looks good. I had not given up on finding him but I can honestly say I wasn't looking. He has brought out the feelings that I put in the back of my mind years ago. He does not make me happy, he adds to the happiness I already have in my life and that is important. I am not sure what the future holds for us and I am enjoying the time I have now but I am looking forward to a future with him in it.
This rounds out my year. I have been blessed to have my children, family, education and love. I can honestly say turning 40 was a good thing. Thank you Lord for giving me this time of my life.
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