Fall 2012

This summer has been filled with some pretty good and trying times but like I always say and will continue to say, I am blessed.

The summer started out good, my boys got their summer jobs back and I only had to help my youngest get a job.  After a while when it didn't look like any thing was working out for her she started to get down about it.  I know she had plans on things she wanted to do but a lot of it depended on her earning money.  This was heartbreaking to a parent because you can't 'make' someone hire her.  We began working out in the morning.  Up at 5, at the gym by 5:30 and home by 8.  I worked until 4:30 and then we would try and leave the house and for the most of the summer for me it was schoolwork.  Extremely routine, but by June I noticed that she was getting healthier, the medicine her doctor had her on was no longer needed and all her labs came back normal.  This was a blessing for me and her. We realized the road to health was exercise.  For us, there is no way around it. Other than the job situation she was pretty happy about her outcome. Now that school is back in session, I have pretty much had to buy her all new clothes because nothing fits.

AJ has truly impressed me this summer. He prides himself on sleeping late in the summer but once he started working in order for him to get the "good rides" he would have to be at work early so that sleep late thing was out the window for most of the summer. In July, he was working on his Capstone project and he chose Choir Director as a profession and it was suggested that he mentor with the Chattanooga Boys Choir summer camp. Well, this was great because he was a member in the Mozart and Schubert Choirs and he was pretty sure he could get the opportunity to do this.  He started on a Tuesday and by the time he got home that evening, he said he wished he had stayed in the boys choir.  I took that as he had a good day.  Wednesday, I called to see if he was on the road (this was the furthest he's driven since he started driving so I was nervous) and he said he needed to talk to me when he got home. I knew what it was about and sure enough Mr. Oakes had asked him to return to the choir.  I was estatic. What a way to end your final year in high school! Of course you can. That wasn't the only thing that impressed me about AJ this summer. He seemed to mature right in front of my eyes. Getting up for work on time and if I ask him to do something it didn't seem like I was pulling teeth. It was a transformation that was so obvious it was shocking.

Andre' tried my patience this summer. I think he turned twenty (20) and decided that he wanted to act grown.  I have a saying in my house, "grown people pay rent". Plain and simple. I am firm when it comes to grown children. I don't tolerate my children being defiant and still having to remain financially dependent on me. Sorry to those who are offended but that's just my way.  I love my son but I think he took me to places I don't like to go with my children.  I had to share my time with his father so I would not come close to committing a felony and honestly, I think he tried his patience as well. Actually, I know he did because he said it. Andre' is back at school and he has returned to the son I love and adore.  The one that I have great conversations with and the one that I know he is.  He is entering his 3rd year at MTSU and through all the triumphs, I am so glad that he is sticking with school.  He needs a fire lit under him at times but he is staying on the path he has set out for himself.

All in all, I am truly blessed to have 3 wonderful people in my life.  They have added so much to my life and when I think of where they could be and what they could be doing I have to say, thank you, Lord for blessing me.

Peace.

Happy New Year 2012

Happy New Year.

I always start my year by reflecting on the last year and seeing what is ahead in the upcoming year.  If you try it, you will be amazed at the blessing that you have received over the year, even when you think times are tough. 

We were so excited about having a new member in our home but that did not turn out the way we wanted it to.  I think my husband was disappointed, not in the efforts, time and money it took to get her here but in the type of person he helped bring into the world turned out to be.  As parents we want so much for our children and although we can do our best, pray and leave them in God's hands. Some children are determined to learn the HARD WAY.  We will say how that turn out.

I am on the road to completing my Master's degree and its funny because when I started this blog I was just beginning to complete my Bachelor's degree.  I am so thankful to the opportunity that has been given to me but what I am most thankful for is the people God put in your path.  I look at some mountains that were placed in front of me and I know had I not had the encouragement I have in my life, I would have quit school.  This year was tough in the beginning because my job required so much at the first part of the year until, I have to withdraw, but once the workload started to decline, my husband was the first person to ask me when I  planned to re-enroll.  Thank God for him. 

Finally, I was able to get a new position and although I am on a learning curve, I am enjoying my work more than ever.  It is so refreshing to be learning something new.  I know God gave me this when he knew I was ready for it and so far so good.

In the upcoming year, I will be completing my Master's degree (August 2012), my husband will be completing his in March.  We have made a  commitment to do more traveling and see more of the south.  My biggest prayer to God is to help my husband find a career in one of our chosen cities so that we can move and explore other parts of our great country.  I continue to pray for my children.  I am telling EVERY parent out there keep praying for your children, God is listening.  I have been blessed.  My two youngest children are completing high school (2012-13) and my oldest will be entering his 3rd year of college in the fall.  He is hanging in there and I am so proud of him.  It can be so easy to get frustrated but I hope I have taught them that reward is worth the hard work.

Mother's Day

I love to think about me as a child and my mom. I look at some pictures of her and I think she was pretty sexy to be a mom of four. Of course she was the disciplinarian in the family and at times I thought she was mean as hell. She always say none of us are in jail, she never had to put us in rehab and we all work. These are the things she is grateful for. Being a mother I can understand. We all want our kids to have these high paying respectable professions and for a while we have that control but once they start to think for themselves our dreams are not really theirs. That's okay. I tell my kids as long as it pays rent and they are happy then I am happy. But this is not about me as a mother, its about my mom.

When I was a teenager, I remember going to get in the bed with my mom. My dad worked third shift so I would sleep with her. I remember she wasn't working and I would get up and get ready for school. I would make my bed but I noticed she would re-make it during the course of the day. After a while I decided there was no need in me making when she was going to redo it so I stopped. She let this go on for about a week and one morning on my way out of the door she told me I better not leave the house without making up my bed. I tried to explain my theory but she wasn't hearing it. She said she didn't care, I better make it up. Today, I wonder what was the lesson in that? We had to clean the house, do laundry and iron clothes (a chore I hate to this day). We were made to be responsible.

Sometimes I wish I had listened closely and took a lot of what she tried to teach me seriously because I do believe I would have been in a better place and I even try and give my kids these life lessons. Not sure if they are listening but one day, just like I did, they will realize parenting is not to be mean, it is to help you survive.

I am still dependent on my mom. She still cook for us, give me clothes and sometimes she have to help me financially. I moved not too long ago and I am waiting on her to finish hanging my pictures and mirrors because I love her sense of style.

I could go on about my mom but I will just say this. She is wonderful to me and even when I don't want to hear what she has to say, she has never given me bad advice.

AJ

AJ is my middle child. I used to say if there was a study on middle child syndrome, he would make the perfect subject. He seem to be the one that got left out and because he wasn't first or he is not the baby he is just there. Sounds horrible, right? Actually sometimes it feels horrible but when I really sit back and think about him, I think he will be the one that once he becomes a man, he will be the one I will worry about the least. I think it is because I worry about him so much now. I will give you a little history.

When he was about 17 months old he was admitted to the hospital three times for about 10 days each time. The last time he was sick with spinal meningitis. One of the side effects from this illness is hearing loss but because he was so young when he had it, it was not until the third grade when we discovered he could not hear. Imagine the time and information lost simply because he could not hear. We fixed that problem and everything seem to be fine. Well, in the seventh grade, he started falling asleep in class. I mean pretty much to the point where he did not try to hide it. I took him to the doctor and we had him tested and he was then diagnosed with ADHD. His type of ADHD was inattentive. He is not a bad kid and discipline is not a problem so I was shocked when the doctor said at night it was like his mind could not rest. We immediately medicated him and again everything seemed fine. Well, this year the medicine that was used to help him sleep at night stopped working and because he maxed out on his dosage we had to figure out why he could not sleep. This time we took him to a sleep specialist and they did a sleep study and we found out his oxygen was extremely low during the night for a child his age. The last specialist discovered that he has a deviated septum. This probably occurred during a break in the nose as a toddler. Funny thing is no one remember him having an accident as a child that would have broken his nose. I have spent the last two days trying to think of one time he would have harmed himself in a fall or bump or ANYTHING. Can't think at all. This has probably lead to his sleep apnea and the loss of oxygen at night.

The course now is to decide if he should have a tonsillectomy and adenoidectomy or if a C-pap would benefit what he is going through. I keep a positive attitude that once all of this is complete and he get a good night's rest for a change we may be able to remove him from the medication he take during the day that helps him stay focus.

I know there are a lot of other children that have far worse conditions that he does but I tell you when it is your child, it seems as if nothing else matters. The reason I chose to share this because no matter what this kid has faced, his attitude has been great. His grades are tanking right now but he don't blame what he is going through and he does not use excuses. He gets mad at himself not at me for having to take away privileges. I tell you when you see the way he reacts to this it is tough to punish him for his shortcomings. He takes the bad with the good and he will still give you a hug and tell you he loves you.

He has faced so much during his near 15 years but I think he will be a strong man and will be able to endure life because of this. AJ is my middle child and I love him with all my heart.

Peace.

Time to move on...

My daughter turned 13 last month and it made me realize several things. First Red Robin is a cool place to give a birthday luncheon for teens. The second thing I realized is I am officially a mother of three teenagers. What does this mean for me? I think it means that my children are old enough to do things on their own and they need to start making more decisions with only guidance from me. I cannot tell them what to do with the mindset of "because I said so." Their future and what they make of it, is up to them. I can continue to protect them but sometimes they need to fall so they can pick themselves back up. I have tried to loosen the choke hold little by little but sometimes I still think I am afraid and maybe it is time loosen it a little more. I will always be there for them and they know that but it is time. This leads me to the last thing I realized. It is time for me to get a life of my own. This includes meeting someone who makes me smile and want to be with me, finishing school (in progress) and preparing myself for my future outside of Chattanooga (also in progress). I have several prospects for dating but after being out of the game for more than 10 years, it is so hard to know what is expected and what I should expect from someone. Is it still a game at 40? Because I am more secure in myself, how do I know when it is right to take a relationship further? I mean, I know if I want to continue to talk with someone because of rule number one. Rule #1 - if a man cannot hold my attention with simple conversation then, he cannot get my attention any other way. I know I am not the same person before marriage and I can honestly say I have matured. I like to talk because you learn a lot about a person when you talk to them and conversation can be stimulating.

These are the realizations I have had since my daughter turned 13. Happy Birthday, Anne & thanks for teaching me to live.

Parenting or the Lack of...

Today, I was thinking about the amount of time my children's dad has spent with them kinda debating requesting an increase in child support. The laws here says that if the non-custodial parent is not spending time then they will pay more. I wonder is it worth it. I thought about it he has had them a total of one week since last Christmas. That's six months. I don't believe they notice it but I do. Plus, it is more expensive to keep growing children with you all the time. Food is one reason. They use more electricity and water. I have to wait in line to use my computer. So many things a non-custodial parent don't realize because he or she doesn't have them long enough to cause a lasting impact. I do believe MCD (my children's dad) doesn't see the wrong in this. He has 101 excuses of why he can't get them. I have always said I would never ask for an increase but this is getting ridiculous. Even when they were with him that one week, I still had to take them and pick them up from their activities. I used to think he was a pretty good dad, but here lately he is just like everyother dad out there. He is not doing anything to make him special. He got outsiders thinking he is great and he may be a step above the average. but lets evaluate what he really does. He does pay child support, but that is a wage garnishment and I wonder if he would do that on his own. During our divorce he got mad and said he would not give me a dime unless a judge ordered him, so I did just that, made a judge order it. He came up with the idea to put them in private school and I agreed to that, but he is liable for that, plus we split that. He buys clothes, but so do I. He pick up little things here and there but for the most part we do the same things. I wonder how does a person not see their children and is cool with it. I am so ready for my kids to move out but I don't think I could function if I could not talk to them all the time... okay 2 to 3 times a week. I love them that much. But is it that easy for the non-custodial parent to block that out. I know there are some people who makes life difficult for the other person but I am not like that. I am cool with him, especially around them. They had to live with this mess while we were married, I don't think it is fair for them to endure in during after divorce. I am really trying to keep it positive. His relationship with his kids is how he makes it. I tell you what, I am tired of trying to push them on him. It is exhausting. My kids are old enough and I do believe this is a time in they will remember. I wonder what will happen...