September 19, 2007 - The start of a great journey.

"I am interesting in completing my Bachelor's Degree and would like to get more information on your online program.  My degree would be Business Administration.  I have credits and I would like to know if they would be transferable."

That was the first email that I sent when I was deciding if I would go back to school.  My cousin had just completed her Master's online and she was telling me how the online program worked.  Now I started my college journey 26 years ago and at that time the intranet was a basement idea so the thought of someone being able to teach me anything online was still a stretch in my head.  I listened to what she had to say and after that conversation I begin to look on my company's intranet because they offered tuition reimbursement and I, first, had to see if they would reimburse for online schools.  Not only did they approve, they actually had a list of preferred schools.  I remember choosing Colorado Tech only because my daughter once said she would love to live in Colorado. There was no other reason, it was that random.

I sent the above email and immediately go a reply from a recruiter.  I pretty much told him that I didn't want to begin until the start of the year.  He began to describe how their classes were set up and the schedule was not the normal semesters like traditional schools.  He was trying to get me into the next term but I said no because I still had to think if this is something I wanted to do.  I was a single mother of three children in a position at work that between October and February I am working an average of 50+ hours a week.  I can say that he had a great pitch because he made it sound like I would listen to these chats and submit work and in no time I would have my degree.  I bought it.  I guess a big part of me wanted to buy it because school was the single most important thing I wanted to finish.  Plus, I  have been preaching to my children about college and they were getting to the age where I begin to feel like a hypocrite.  They never made me feel that way, I did it on my own.  What better way to show them than to do it myself.

That beginning seem so long ago because when I started my program I had an 8-year old desktop computer that was slow even though I had high speed internet through the cable company.  Not to mention I had three children whose schoolwork required the use of the computer so many times I had to wait until everyone was finished before I could even begin my work. I never will forget the feeling I got when I heard the professor say my name.  It felt so official. That first class was pretty simple and I was like, "Oh yeah, I got this!"  That next class was more, "what the hell?" And the classes afterward was more of the same.  I had to repeat some classes but 6 months later I had completed my Associate's degree.  I had mixed feelings about it because on one hand I felt that I had made a big leap in my reaching my goal, on the other hand I could have beat myself up for not doing it sooner.  But in the end there was no need to look back because I still was not where I wanted to be. 

When I started to work on bachelor's program I had just returned from visiting my friend Alicia in Texas and I was not in the mood for school.  I began to see changes in my daughter and things just seem to change.  I always say God knew what I was about to encounter and He knew the first thing that would have suffered would be school.  So I truly believe He felt I needed someone that would help me to stay on track so I wouldn't have to live with yet another regret.  I believe that's how I got my BFF. How else can you explain me meeting someone who is just as determined to finish school as I am and who would be able to support what I was trying to do and provide the support throughout the trials that came my way.  I had to withdraw at some point in my program but when he saw things getting back to normal, he began to inquire about me returning to school.  I don't think I would have done this on my own.  My BFF knew that the situation would not stay the way it was and I am forever grateful for his support and love. So grateful I married him.  Well in August of 2010 I finished my Bachelor's.  Then I began to consider my Master's program.

Now when I began this, a Master's degree was not in the cards.  Not sure why,  I was just not interested.  I always thought a Bachelor's was enough.  Then I looked around my workplace and noticed a lot of people had Master's degrees so I started to think that if I wanted to remain competitive, that may be the road I need to travel.  Well, needless to say my BFF would be needed again because I reached a point on my job where my work hours increase to about 60+ hours a week and when I finished that job, concentrating on schoolwork was difficult because my mind was constantly thinking about the things I needed to achieve the following day on my job.  I had to withdraw once again.  This lasted about 6 months and honestly I would have been okay with it lasting longer.  I will never forget my BFF standing over me and he said, "don't you think its about time for you to go back to school?" I was so casual. My first thought was, dang! One thing he always said, its not that he cared if I got my Master's but I should complete what I started. 

Well, the other day, I received the proof that I had finally finished a life long journey and a great one at that.  I look at this degree and know that about 8 years ago, I never thought this would be in my immediate future.  I always knew I would go back, I just thought it would be once my children left home.  I never thought I could juggle being a full-time mother, employee, student and after a while wife. I know what I have done is nothing new but knowing ME that way I do, it was an accomplishment. The entire time I went through this, my children never felt like they were being neglected, although I felt I was neglecting them. Between work and school it was hard for me to attend wrestling matches and choir concerts and other events but they didn't complain and they were happy when I achieved a milestone.  I will continue to say I am truly blessed to have these young people to call my children and because they invested in my goals, I don't think twice about investing in theirs.

Peace.
TB, MSM

 

Hearing The Bass

I am approaching what has been the best four years of my life. Well, actually, if you count from the day we met him, its been over four years.  One of the many things I love about this man is the what he kept from me for about 3 months after we me. His music.  He is so nonchalant about it, like everyone can play, but I love it.  I actually use it to determine how mad at him I am.  I call it "hearing the bass".

The first time I heard him play for real was at the Barking Legs Theater.  He called me at work and said, "Hey, Kofi asked me to play with him tonight and I wanted to know if you want to come."  I was thinking, who is Kofi and play what? I don't think he even owned a bass at that time because I remember him saying that Kofi (whoever he was) was going to get a bass for him to play.  I said okay naturally and when he told me where it was that was another shocker because I had never heard of Barking Legs.  Me and a co-worker was trying to figure out this place because I had just met this man and he is asking me to meet him somewhere that was foreign to me.  We started planning our strategy of what she would do if I didn't confirm the place was legit and I wasn't being kidnapped or set up.  Funny, I know but people are coo-coo. Well, I got there and there were more people there so I reported back that I was fine.  We were sitting around and I remember asking about rehearsals but explained to me that he didn't  need to rehearse because he's played these songs before. Now keep in mind, all I have seen is him playing around on AJ's acoustic guitar and he NEVER played a complete song, so I thought he was this self-taught-wannabe guitar player.  In my head all I thought this was going to be embarrassing.  I can see the fallout and I would deny knowing him or I would say we just met.  Anything to get me out of this situation.

They were going to play last and the band before them Davidasa was a Hindu sounding group with belly dancers.  That was really cool so I was getting into it. So now here we go, they get up there and they started to play and it took me totally by surprise because my first reaction was he can really play!  He was on key and he played a solo that had a funk, Caribbean, Latin beat to it and I could not stop smiling.  One because I didn't have to deny knowing him and two because this man could really play.  The set was about 45 minutes and I was in awe the entire time.  I remember thinking why hasn't he ever mentioned this before? Shocking but that is how I learned my BFF could play the bass guitar.

The next time I heard him play was in church. Again, I was shocked and asked if he could play church music? He said he plays for the church (Marcellus) occasionally. I grew up in the church and I didn't think he could hang with the gospel musicians of the day, although he just proved to me that he can play.  By this time he had purchased his "girlfriend" (they get to be girlfriends because he... nevermind, why is irrelevant) and he was playing with Ogya more often. But church music was an entire different genre and church people will not be happy if you can't get them in the mood to praise the Lord.  Nothing gets a person ready for the morning word than an "A & B selection" from the choir.  He asked me to go to church with him and I was like, "THANK GOD, A MAN WHO LIKES TO GO TO CHURCH!" Faith is an important quality to me so I said okay.  At the time, Mt. Canaan Baptist Church was having two services and I chose to attend the 8 a.m. service. The choir sung Its Only A Test by Bishop Larry D. Trotter. If you ever listen to this song, the bass is a big part of the song.  This brother was sitting there with little emotion playing this song like he wrote the music himself.  Again, I was shocked. He was jamming and I think from that day to this one, that is my favorite gospel song.

I have heard him play lots of times since those two occasions and let's just say, I am no longer a groupie but I do enjoy listening to him play and when he play something new, I am back at the Barking Legs with that big grin on my face.  An example would be when he played cocktail hour at my brother's wedding reception.  That was the first time I had heard him play a full jazz set and the people he got to play with him were equally talented and it was a nice set. What is funny is when I am not happy with him, he could be the loudest musician in the room and I will not have heard a note he has played and if I happen to hear a note then it is the most irritating sound I have heard.  Other times when I miss him when I am away from him or when we have spent some good quality time away from the mundane routine of work, kids, bills, etc., I can listen to a song and the only thing I can hear is the bass.  I will text him and let him know I am hearing the bass and he will know all is well.

As I approach my second anniversary and I think that people can go their whole lives an never have this feeling, I am grateful everyday, good or bad, that I have been blessed with the opportunity to love and have that same love in return. 

Fall 2012

This summer has been filled with some pretty good and trying times but like I always say and will continue to say, I am blessed.

The summer started out good, my boys got their summer jobs back and I only had to help my youngest get a job.  After a while when it didn't look like any thing was working out for her she started to get down about it.  I know she had plans on things she wanted to do but a lot of it depended on her earning money.  This was heartbreaking to a parent because you can't 'make' someone hire her.  We began working out in the morning.  Up at 5, at the gym by 5:30 and home by 8.  I worked until 4:30 and then we would try and leave the house and for the most of the summer for me it was schoolwork.  Extremely routine, but by June I noticed that she was getting healthier, the medicine her doctor had her on was no longer needed and all her labs came back normal.  This was a blessing for me and her. We realized the road to health was exercise.  For us, there is no way around it. Other than the job situation she was pretty happy about her outcome. Now that school is back in session, I have pretty much had to buy her all new clothes because nothing fits.

AJ has truly impressed me this summer. He prides himself on sleeping late in the summer but once he started working in order for him to get the "good rides" he would have to be at work early so that sleep late thing was out the window for most of the summer. In July, he was working on his Capstone project and he chose Choir Director as a profession and it was suggested that he mentor with the Chattanooga Boys Choir summer camp. Well, this was great because he was a member in the Mozart and Schubert Choirs and he was pretty sure he could get the opportunity to do this.  He started on a Tuesday and by the time he got home that evening, he said he wished he had stayed in the boys choir.  I took that as he had a good day.  Wednesday, I called to see if he was on the road (this was the furthest he's driven since he started driving so I was nervous) and he said he needed to talk to me when he got home. I knew what it was about and sure enough Mr. Oakes had asked him to return to the choir.  I was estatic. What a way to end your final year in high school! Of course you can. That wasn't the only thing that impressed me about AJ this summer. He seemed to mature right in front of my eyes. Getting up for work on time and if I ask him to do something it didn't seem like I was pulling teeth. It was a transformation that was so obvious it was shocking.

Andre' tried my patience this summer. I think he turned twenty (20) and decided that he wanted to act grown.  I have a saying in my house, "grown people pay rent". Plain and simple. I am firm when it comes to grown children. I don't tolerate my children being defiant and still having to remain financially dependent on me. Sorry to those who are offended but that's just my way.  I love my son but I think he took me to places I don't like to go with my children.  I had to share my time with his father so I would not come close to committing a felony and honestly, I think he tried his patience as well. Actually, I know he did because he said it. Andre' is back at school and he has returned to the son I love and adore.  The one that I have great conversations with and the one that I know he is.  He is entering his 3rd year at MTSU and through all the triumphs, I am so glad that he is sticking with school.  He needs a fire lit under him at times but he is staying on the path he has set out for himself.

All in all, I am truly blessed to have 3 wonderful people in my life.  They have added so much to my life and when I think of where they could be and what they could be doing I have to say, thank you, Lord for blessing me.

Peace.

A Do-over

In life we are taught to do things a certain way. Our values and beliefs up to a point are from the people that influenced us the most.  Most of the time it comes from our parents.  Take me for example.  I try to teach my children to be good people and get an education.  I think I have spent a majority of my time teaching them college was not an option.  I have taught them to respect adults and the law.  My favorite saying is "not because I told you to, but because your uncle and grandfather were cops."  These are just a few of the things  I instilled in my children.

My subject is not about me or my children, its about my brother. Chuck.  Chuck is a good guy.  He was brought up in a home with a mother and 3 sisters and I think I took the place for a while of his "brother" because I was a tomboy at heart.  We did not have a great male role model but we did have a decent one.  My step-dad, whom I always have and will call Daddy, didn't teach us a lot but I think he did teach my brother to take care of home.  Well, he did take care of his home and he found out it was not enough.  I used to sit in awe of the things I would hear that he tried to do and I couldn't for the life of me think of a single reason why a woman would not want to have a dude like him.  But we all know, you don't appreciate what you have till its gone.

He endured a lot and I believe once he got tired then he was done. Most of us are that way.  We know when to say when.  Well, he got past that difficult time and I pray that in the midst of his troubles, he learned something and he gain a sense of peace, faith and patience.  I believe he did because this August he was given a do-over. He gets the privilege of doing a couple of things; 1) choosing someone who shares his values and 2) truly getting to love someone and getting that love back unconditionally.  I heard his wife talk about him in a way that I haven't heard anyone speak of my brother before.  I could feel her love for him and I knew it was true.

She brings out the best in him and not the worst. She understands and appreciates the value of family and accepting them and their flaws as well as their gifts.  She is educated and she can hold her own in a conversation with strangers.  I liked her from the day I met her and she said the one thing to me that I knew she would love him forever, "I cannot imagine my life without him." Another statement I have never heard anyone speak about my brother. And after all of the above, she stood by him when I think was the hardest time of his adult life and I know a lesser woman would have said, "Holla!" She didn't, she took it with him. I am pretty sure she saw him hurt, angry, frustrated and disgusted but in the end, she was standing right there with a look on her face that said her love hadn't wavered a bit.  There are not many people that can say they have a person like that in their corner.

I know we both have had our "do-over" and like him, I don't take for granted that unconditional love that a person gives.  They can't give money, fame or fortune.  They can only give their love, no hidden agenda, just love.  It is the best blessing a person can receive.  I wish them the best and I know they are blessed.

The Life and Times of Dixon

I keep typing the first ten words and don't really know what I want to say. Actually, there is a lot going on in this head of mine, getting it out is the task I seem to be faced with.  I think today,  I would like to talk about my dog, Dixon.

Dixon was adopted ten years ago when my children's dad came up with the idea we needed a dog.  I had childhood pets so I was okay with it.  Well, over the years he really did become apart of our family. I remember the time I put him outside because he started chewing on my shoes when I thought I had gotten past the chewing stage.  He stayed out there for about a year, never had that problem again. I remember when I figured out he would get in my bed when we left for the day.  I had to come back in the house for something and I guess he didn't hear me because he was caught.  He looked up like "oh well" and went back to sleep.  From that moment on, I had a blanket I would put on my bed to keep him from getting hair every where.

Dixon didn't like thunder and he would wake the entire house to let you know he didn't like thunder.  He would try and jump in your lap which could prove to be difficult because he was over 100 lbs.  I wouldn't call him a watch dog because I always said if you fed him, he would probably let you rob us blind (I said this before Mayhem advertised it on the Allstate commercial). He was a good dog, I think he knew when I was sad because that is when he became super clingy.   I remember a time when he was really getting on my nerves and I firmly told him to take his tail and sit down.  He went to my bedroom and positioned himself where he could stare at me and he did this for a couple of minutes.  Like he was bad.  Over the years our life with Dixon was pretty normal. He was a big baby and as time moved on he became a big old baby.  Most days we had our routine.  I learned that he didn't eat during the day because there was no one home to take him out.  I thought that was pretty disciplined.

I remember having a talk with the children about dog age.  How what we consider is one age can actually be a senior in dog world.  I would even tell them his dog age so they could relate to the fact that he was getting old.  Because my oldest was away in school, I would always tell the other children there would be no RIP's on Facebook until I was able to break the news to everyone.  Well, something happened where he hurt himself.  The doctor said it was a Cranial Cruciate Ligament rupture which could be the equivalent to tearing an ACL.  Well at this time Dixon is ten and overweight and I was advised that recovery under these circumstances could be difficult not to mention there could be other issue because of his weight and size and him getting completely back to normal was unlikely and on and on and on.  It was a lot to take in but at the end of the visit, I left with a weeks worth of pain meds and a choice to make.

I can say I have been faced with some tough decisions in my life but to date, that has been the toughest.  There was no one to consult if I was doing the right thing for my children and my heart and no matter how much we knew this day would come, having it stare you in the face was a whole different scenario.  As the week went on, we saw how hard it became to care for him and the amount of pain he was in because we had steps leading to the yard and that was the only way he could go to the bathroom.  I made the decision to put him to sleep so on Thursday, May 3, 2012, companion of 10 years went to doggie heaven.  What was worse about that day is my son was taking final exams so I didn't want to tell him because I thought he was coming home Friday, he came home a couple of hours later.

The aftermath of that has been hard for me because I still miss him.  I think about him every day and I feel like I have hurt my children.  Dixon was the closest they had to losing a family member because he  was with them every day.  I am haunted with the decision and with the hurt.  The vet told me I was doing what was best for him and I don't doubt it because they would have never suggested it if there was another way but man, it didn't help my heart.  It's been almost three months and I still feel the pain. Maybe sharing this will help.

Dixon 2002-2012

Rambling

It is April and I spent most of March thinking about what I wanted to say in March and its not that so much happened, I was just at a loss for words.  So I think I would just ramble. 

I love my husband. I get scared that some of my feelings will get hurt but he has not let me down.  Very supportive of my needs.  I felt like I was going through some anxiety because of changes that were happening in my life and most of the time I believed that he would get impatient with me but even when we had major disagreements, he loved me just the same.  It is the best feeling to know that no matter what happens that person loves you. He tells me, he knew what he was getting into and he is here to stay. I am not sure if he knew how much that changed my attitude.  I am not trying to be a better wife and I am trying to "THINK" before I speak.  I have learned that true love forgives and it forgives without words.  When I am upset, I think God whips me all night long because they are some of the most restless nights of my life.  I wake up and the first thing I will do is give him a hug and he hugs me back.  That is like saying I am sorry and I  accept in one move.  Such a wonderful feeling.

I love my children.  They are bright individuals and although I know it is getting to a time where I cannot tell them what to do and I have to respect their life choices, I will love them for who they are now and for what they will become. One thing, I have come to terms with is, I cannot relate to their situations as high school students.  You know how some people try to advise their kids based on their own experiences. I am learning, it is impossible.  The things I went through does not compare to what they are experiencing as teenagers.  Actually,  I wonder if I could have coped with their challenges.  Its hard to explain to them that in ten years none of this will matter.  I try to tell them that I love them and I will support them.

I am down to my last three classes in my master's program and I realized I am at a crossroad in my life.  What will I do once I have completed my degree and the kids are off doing their own things.  My BFF has his music so I have to figure out what is for me and how will I move forward.  I have a couple of things that are of interest.  One is to do a geneology research.  My cousin and I dabbled in it a while back but when we both started furthering our education, there was no time.  Well, she is done and in August I will be done so we will pick that up again. 

I am done rambling.  I hope to have something interesting this month.  I have sons turning 20 and 18 this month.  Plus AJ is considering making AJ his legal name.

Love Everyday

Happy Valentine's Day. 

Okay, I said it. I am convinced this has become a day that card companies and floral shops will have a way of making some money during the year, so I am not a huge fan of paying $60 (probably more) for something that will be less than half the price the very next day.  I love the candy during this time but my doctor has become concerned about my glucose level so that is out.  I love cards because I think my husband stands there for at least 15 minutes to pick out the right one.  They are always so sweet.  My children's father used to buy them something (candy, toy, etc.) on this day. I thought that was sweet.  But, for the most part, its just a day. 

What I try to do is love everyday and I absolutely think I have the one person who makes that easy.  He wakes me up every morning, He helps me through the toughest days at work and every night He will hug me before I go to sleep.  I actually fall asleep under Him.  I call Him my security blanket.  I can talk to Him about anything and He will not judge me, tell anyone my secrets or gossip about me behind my back.  Don't get me wrong there are days when I don't feel He is with me but I am not focusing on that right now and I know that even though I don't feel it, He is there.  When everything else is stressful, He is the constant.  With Him, you will fuss by yourself and He will forgive just as quick.  Its hard to show all the love I have for Him on one day so I try to show how much I love Him everyday.  One last thing, He has given me the perfect person to help Him show me love.

I started writing that paragraph about my BFF but I thought there was one love greater than him.

Have a blessed day.

Happy New Year 2012

Happy New Year.

I always start my year by reflecting on the last year and seeing what is ahead in the upcoming year.  If you try it, you will be amazed at the blessing that you have received over the year, even when you think times are tough. 

We were so excited about having a new member in our home but that did not turn out the way we wanted it to.  I think my husband was disappointed, not in the efforts, time and money it took to get her here but in the type of person he helped bring into the world turned out to be.  As parents we want so much for our children and although we can do our best, pray and leave them in God's hands. Some children are determined to learn the HARD WAY.  We will say how that turn out.

I am on the road to completing my Master's degree and its funny because when I started this blog I was just beginning to complete my Bachelor's degree.  I am so thankful to the opportunity that has been given to me but what I am most thankful for is the people God put in your path.  I look at some mountains that were placed in front of me and I know had I not had the encouragement I have in my life, I would have quit school.  This year was tough in the beginning because my job required so much at the first part of the year until, I have to withdraw, but once the workload started to decline, my husband was the first person to ask me when I  planned to re-enroll.  Thank God for him. 

Finally, I was able to get a new position and although I am on a learning curve, I am enjoying my work more than ever.  It is so refreshing to be learning something new.  I know God gave me this when he knew I was ready for it and so far so good.

In the upcoming year, I will be completing my Master's degree (August 2012), my husband will be completing his in March.  We have made a  commitment to do more traveling and see more of the south.  My biggest prayer to God is to help my husband find a career in one of our chosen cities so that we can move and explore other parts of our great country.  I continue to pray for my children.  I am telling EVERY parent out there keep praying for your children, God is listening.  I have been blessed.  My two youngest children are completing high school (2012-13) and my oldest will be entering his 3rd year of college in the fall.  He is hanging in there and I am so proud of him.  It can be so easy to get frustrated but I hope I have taught them that reward is worth the hard work.