How do you know? Part III

Ask other people how they define love or know if they love someone.

I got several responses and this is what I heard.

Response 1
I'd say that love is about reaction. How does the sight, sound, and/or touch of a person make you feel? Are there regular moments with in your day that are occupied solely by individual thoughts of this one? Does your existence now include that of comfort and happiness within this persons. How difficult is it to travel back to the state of yourself before meeting this person?

These (I believe) are some questions to ask yourself.

Response 2
I feel that you know you love someone when you think of their needs before you think of your own. Love is more than a feeling. Love is an action word. When you are in love your actions should define your feelings.

Response 3
Love to me is: trusting someone to be faithful, be by your side no matter what, and to always be honest with you. It is being with someone you that makes you a better person, wants you to succeed, is willing to compromise to make your relationship better, and that is your best friend. it is someone you can spend the rest of your life with because although you may not always like them, you do always love them.

These are very honest responses and I can truly say I feel all of them in my relationship.

To be continued...

How Do You Know? Part II

Step 2. Distinguish between love and lust or infatuation. Lust is an intense sexual desire. Infatuation refers to the initial stage of a relationship, when you are "crazy" about him, but this feeling usually fades over time.

I can admit when I first started dating him, it was exciting. You know, that feeling you get from something new. I was infatuated with the idea of him. His ethnic background, his plans for the future and his thought process. These things were so new to me that it just sucked me in. I wanted to hear more everyday. I appreciated the fact that he did not try to impress me actually it was the opposite. I learned that he lived one day at a time and he understood his situation could change at any moment. This was why he wanted more. He wanted to secure a future for himself and his family (family meaning children). Everyday he introduced me to something exciting and when I learned he was a musician, I lost it. Lust went to a whole new level. All of this lasted about a couple of months, then routine set in. We saw each other when time permitted. He was trying to finish his degree, work two jobs, and play music. Busy, huh? Definitely, but he still made time for me. Meanwhile, I was working 40+ hours a week, going to school and taking care of my family (family meaning children). This is when lust and infatuation turned to love.

I still got excited when I knew we were going to spend time together and we could sit and talk for hours about nothing and his conversations were still exciting. Then when I reached a hard time in my life, he remained positive about the situation and he hung in there with me. He helps me with schoolwork and because of his help, I got A's in classes that were tough. Now we just have a routine. He's in grad school, I am still trying to finish undergrad, kids are in school, we work and he still play music. All of this and when we get time together it is exciting and that first time feeling is still there...almost a year later. We have disagreements but we are okay to agree that we will disagree. Some days I want to be alone, but when I am, I miss him and cannot wait to see him. When I see him play, its like watching him for the first time all over again.

I think I can say that I am past the lusting period and I am truly in love. Having looked at these two steps, I love that man.

To be continued...

How Do You Know? Part I

At 41, I always wonder will I ever love again? Its hard to bounce back from a relationship that did not work. When you put your all into something that supposed to last a lifetime and it fails, do you really try it again? I said when I was younger that if marriage didn't work for me the first time, I would not give a it a second time to fail. But, when I turned 40 something happened. I became secure in who I was as a mother, daughter, sister, aunt, cousin and most importantly a person. May 2008, I did not know what the future held for me in the love department but I did know that if I was happy being me, then I was happy. Another thing I discovered was that I would not compromise who I was for anyone. The changes I made would be because I wanted them not because someone would "love me more" if I was this way or that way. I have learned that's a pretty good quality, one I plan to keep. So, that brings me to my topic. When a person has made the changes in their life and accepted the person they are, how do you know, when a person who meets all the initial criteria of a partner, really love you?

There's a big difference from being infatuated with someone and in love, but in the beginning it can be hard to tell the difference between the two (eHow, n.d.). There are six steps I think I should take to tell if he really loves me. I am not sure how many I can explain but I will try.

Step 1. Clarify what love is for you. Write down all your thoughts and feelings about what a loving relationship would be like for you.

For me love is a partnership. It's not about what he can do for me or what I can do for him but what WE can do for each other. Its not about his or mines but ours. I am not into the traditional relationships where it is all about if he can take care of me. I have learned I can take care of myself and as time goes on, I will get better at it so I don't need that from a man. I think love is about supporting each other's dreams and goals. A relationship is accepting all of a person, including their faults and downfalls. Its about not reliving the past mistakes but helping each other to make better and smarter decisions for the future. A loving relationship is about having a friend, a best friend. A person that will sit down and talk for an hour about nothing or sharing a secret that one would never tell anyone else. It's about communication, that includes laughing when its funny, crying when its sad and agreeing to disagree. Most of all, I believe a relationship is about two people having faith in God or whatever a person believe. Knowing that He will bless the relationship and putting it in His hands and just live each day to the fullest.

I think when two people have all of this they have love. This is what a loving relationship is to me.

To Be Continued...

Mother's Day

I love to think about me as a child and my mom. I look at some pictures of her and I think she was pretty sexy to be a mom of four. Of course she was the disciplinarian in the family and at times I thought she was mean as hell. She always say none of us are in jail, she never had to put us in rehab and we all work. These are the things she is grateful for. Being a mother I can understand. We all want our kids to have these high paying respectable professions and for a while we have that control but once they start to think for themselves our dreams are not really theirs. That's okay. I tell my kids as long as it pays rent and they are happy then I am happy. But this is not about me as a mother, its about my mom.

When I was a teenager, I remember going to get in the bed with my mom. My dad worked third shift so I would sleep with her. I remember she wasn't working and I would get up and get ready for school. I would make my bed but I noticed she would re-make it during the course of the day. After a while I decided there was no need in me making when she was going to redo it so I stopped. She let this go on for about a week and one morning on my way out of the door she told me I better not leave the house without making up my bed. I tried to explain my theory but she wasn't hearing it. She said she didn't care, I better make it up. Today, I wonder what was the lesson in that? We had to clean the house, do laundry and iron clothes (a chore I hate to this day). We were made to be responsible.

Sometimes I wish I had listened closely and took a lot of what she tried to teach me seriously because I do believe I would have been in a better place and I even try and give my kids these life lessons. Not sure if they are listening but one day, just like I did, they will realize parenting is not to be mean, it is to help you survive.

I am still dependent on my mom. She still cook for us, give me clothes and sometimes she have to help me financially. I moved not too long ago and I am waiting on her to finish hanging my pictures and mirrors because I love her sense of style.

I could go on about my mom but I will just say this. She is wonderful to me and even when I don't want to hear what she has to say, she has never given me bad advice.

AJ

AJ is my middle child. I used to say if there was a study on middle child syndrome, he would make the perfect subject. He seem to be the one that got left out and because he wasn't first or he is not the baby he is just there. Sounds horrible, right? Actually sometimes it feels horrible but when I really sit back and think about him, I think he will be the one that once he becomes a man, he will be the one I will worry about the least. I think it is because I worry about him so much now. I will give you a little history.

When he was about 17 months old he was admitted to the hospital three times for about 10 days each time. The last time he was sick with spinal meningitis. One of the side effects from this illness is hearing loss but because he was so young when he had it, it was not until the third grade when we discovered he could not hear. Imagine the time and information lost simply because he could not hear. We fixed that problem and everything seem to be fine. Well, in the seventh grade, he started falling asleep in class. I mean pretty much to the point where he did not try to hide it. I took him to the doctor and we had him tested and he was then diagnosed with ADHD. His type of ADHD was inattentive. He is not a bad kid and discipline is not a problem so I was shocked when the doctor said at night it was like his mind could not rest. We immediately medicated him and again everything seemed fine. Well, this year the medicine that was used to help him sleep at night stopped working and because he maxed out on his dosage we had to figure out why he could not sleep. This time we took him to a sleep specialist and they did a sleep study and we found out his oxygen was extremely low during the night for a child his age. The last specialist discovered that he has a deviated septum. This probably occurred during a break in the nose as a toddler. Funny thing is no one remember him having an accident as a child that would have broken his nose. I have spent the last two days trying to think of one time he would have harmed himself in a fall or bump or ANYTHING. Can't think at all. This has probably lead to his sleep apnea and the loss of oxygen at night.

The course now is to decide if he should have a tonsillectomy and adenoidectomy or if a C-pap would benefit what he is going through. I keep a positive attitude that once all of this is complete and he get a good night's rest for a change we may be able to remove him from the medication he take during the day that helps him stay focus.

I know there are a lot of other children that have far worse conditions that he does but I tell you when it is your child, it seems as if nothing else matters. The reason I chose to share this because no matter what this kid has faced, his attitude has been great. His grades are tanking right now but he don't blame what he is going through and he does not use excuses. He gets mad at himself not at me for having to take away privileges. I tell you when you see the way he reacts to this it is tough to punish him for his shortcomings. He takes the bad with the good and he will still give you a hug and tell you he loves you.

He has faced so much during his near 15 years but I think he will be a strong man and will be able to endure life because of this. AJ is my middle child and I love him with all my heart.

Peace.

Grateful

You know so much has happened in the last couple of years in my life and I am so grateful to be where I am today. I have three kids that I love dearly, a man that loves me back, a family that no matter how much they get on my nerves, we are family and we love each other and I have a select group of friends that are truly on my side and support me no matter what. I am grateful to that.

I have been allowed a second chance to complete my education and although it is tough juggling it and my responsibilities, God is giving me the drive to not give up. I may have to slow it up every now and then but I have no desire to quit. Okay, sometimes at two in the morning when I have got to finish a paper but I want to go to sleep, I do sometimes wish I could quit, but I don't I press forward.

My job can be stressful but I am grateful I have one and I am still able to provide for my family. My bank account gets low, but I have developed the determination to not overspend and live below my means so that I can stay above water.

You know President Obama made a comment about responsibility starting at home. I was not taught the value of protecting your credit and saving and a lot of other things but I am grateful that it is not too late to start and even though I am 40 years old, I want the opportunity to live the rest of my life responsibly, financially stable and a bit more secure. You know my kids may look at it that I didn't start out great but I got on board and finished better.

In church, they say, I am not where I need to be but thank God I am not where I used to be and with His help I will get there.

Peace.

Unconditional Love

As a parent it is my job to love and protect my children. I truly believe this. If I had to give my life to save my children I would. No second thoughts about it. I always wondered how is it that a person can make a baby and not love and care for them.

I have always taught my children that kids can be mean and cruel and it is just words, but what happens when a mean person is someone who is supposed to love you unconditionally? What do you tell a child when this happens? I can only imagine how a child would feel if you hear the worse words coming from someone who says I love in public. Nothing you do is right and then they will turn around and say something stupid like, "you know I love you." Only to keep up an appearance. So not only do you feel bad, you are confused because in a sense aren't they saying the nasty words are their examples of love. You can say anything to me as long as you say I love you, that makes it okay. I feel confused typing this. That would be the equivalent of beating a spouse then apologizing afterward. Society doesn't approve it in adults so does that make it right to do it to a child?

As a mother, father or guardian, what do you do when this happens? You protect, protect, protect. You remove the problem and you work on getting the child to feel good about themselves because no matter what they are bright individuals who will shape the future of our world when they become of age and the people they become is determined by us, parents. What we teach them when they are young will follow them into adulthood.

I love each of my kids no matter what. I will love them till the day I die and then some. I believe in them even when they don't believe in themselves and I truly think they will make a contribution to this country.

I have been placed in a position this last few weeks where I am going to have to truly walk the walk. I am going to have to make some tough decisions for their sake and it is not going to be easy. I will be faced with things that I have not had to do in the past and I may want to give up. A long time ago, I stayed in my marriage because I had kids but eventually they became the reason I left. I saw what a bad marriage was doing to them and I had to change it. The challenges I am about to face is going to be because I have kids.

I know that God will guide me and be there to help me through it.

The New Year

Happy New Year. Saying goodbye to the old and welcoming the new. For me, it is continuing the blessings I have had in the years before. I think about resolutions and I can only make one. To have 12 blogs this year. I am even going to set a reminder on my outlook so I can do it.

A friend had this poem posted on a site and I have been reading it all day. I get it - as a woman I truly get what it is saying and I wanted to put it here so I can get it all year long. I want to learn that I am in charge of my own happiness and I should depend on no one to bring it to me.

After A While

After a while you learn

The subtle difference between

Holding a hand and chaining a soul,

And you learn that love doesn't mean leaning

And company doesn't mean security.

And you begin to learn

That kisses aren't contracts

And presents aren't promises,
And you begin to accept your defeats

With your head up and your eyes ahead

With the grace of a woman

Not the grief of a child

And you learn

To build all your roads on today

Because tomorrow's ground is

Too uncertain for plans

And futures have a way

Of falling down in mid-flight

After a while you learn

That even sunshine burns if you get too much.
So you plant your garden

And decorate your own soul

Instead of waiting

For someone to bring you flowers

And you learn

That you really can endure

That you really are strong

And you really do have worth

And you learn and learn
With every good-bye you learn.

-Veronica A. Shoffstall